I’ve heard all these mommies gushing about their pregnancies over the years, and I think to myself, “I must be one selfish bitch!” Because really, this whole time has been kind of a pity party, and I’m the only one invited. I don’t bother others with it. I know I’m being overly emotional. The crying, the worrying… the sheer exhaustion of it all. But I haven’t slowed down, I just keep going. I have to. Instead of sitting around and dwelling on the all the ways things will change, I have just sort of put my feelings on the back burner. Let’s face it, I can’t trust hardly any of my emotions right now anyway. It’s like a super PMS when you make hasty decisions like cutting all your hair off or breaking up with a boyfriend over something silly. Best to wait until you are a normal person again before making any serious decisions. And I am not a normal person. I have, indeed, been body-snatched.
Well finally, someone told me some truth.
Over this past weekend 22 friends and family met up for a fun little weekend in the mountains. It was so good to see everyone and hang out, watching the kids of good friends play together made me think about my little one and how he would fit into the mix some day. One friend, Ashley, asked how I was doing. I said, “I’m mostly just tired.. but lately my whole stomach and ribs feels like sore, like I’ve been doing sit-ups overnight. So, tired and sore I guess.” She replied without a thought, “It doesn’t get any better, just more interesting.” Jo Lee, another friend laughed and chimed in, “That’s the most honest advice I’ve ever heard! So many mothers downplay the hardships of pregnancy, and it makes you second-guess your own feelings.” She’s right. I think they both are.
Maybe moms forget what it was like, or they just had a completely different experience than me, but I don’t think this is something I will nostalgically look back on. But this whole time, I’ve been kind of down on myself based on the feelings regarding pregnancy of others. And I’ve never really allowed myself to fall into the old “comparison trap”- but then again, I’ve never been body snatched before, either.
I guess my takeaway from all this is just to do what I’ve always done in every aspect of my life thus far: Go with the flow and try to do the right thing. Don’t waste time dwelling on the negative and comparing myself to others. Just be the best me I can be.
Meanwhile, tomorrow marks a really interesting milestone for my little Patrick and me. I’m playing, funny enough, a St. Patrick’s Day gig. Now that he’s really moving around and reacting to outside sounds, this will be the first show with the full band where I will be able to really feel his reaction to the music- drums, bass, guitar, keys….the works. It’s going to be very interesting. I kind of can’t wait!
Wish me the luck of the Irish, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day!