It’s days like today that I am so grateful that I keep all my old journals. All my thoughts from years gone past- whether I wrote on all the pages of a notebook, or just a few, I keep and cherish them. I love to look back on them to see where I was, compared with where I am now. Some things I have worked through and overcome. Sadly, there are themes that have continued to haunt me- things I wrote about then, still apply today. I’m workin’ on it… I swear!  Knowing is half the battle, right? ; ) But to be able to go back and randomly read something you wrote even 5, 10, or in this case 12 years ago, it’s amazing to see how you’ve grown- or haven’t.

So today I came across a notebook called “Morning Pages”. I read a book called “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. She suggests writing in a journal in the morning when you first get up (or, if you’re me- lay in bed and scrawl sideways while trying to keep your eyes mostly shut because you REALLY don’t want to be awake- you must remember I was a 27 year old with a more than full time job, a band and a very active social life!). The goal is to write 3 hand-written pages per day. Write anything, it doesn’t matter- it is supposed to clear your mind and prepare you for a good creative-thinking day. It opens your mind while it is still fresh.

Well, I ended up LOVING doing this. I actually almost finished my notebook, which is unheard of for me. I usually get about halfway through a notebook, if that, before it starts to lose it’s energy, and I retire it to the closet. Now, a lot of what I wrote was regular journal stuff- how much I hated work, guy trouble/then not trouble/then trouble again, thoughts on life events- my own and others, lots of inner work right there for me to relive on the pages of a 12 year old notebook. How amazing to be able to look at the then 27 year old, who was practically still a kid. I had all the tools and none of the manpower. I can look back and see how silly I was in some ways- mostly in regards to my pushing forward with music projects. The only thing that was stopping me ***spoiler alert*** was me. I was the queen of setting up my own roadblocks.

So at the end of the morning pages for 8/19/00- after a very mundane entry about not wanting to get up, thinking about work and how much I don’t care about it (though, I go on to write about it for 1 and a half pages), how I need to clean my place up, a little on the guy trouble front- I dive right into this with no warning, and then absolutely no explanation afterward:

“Whispering through wind has always been so easy. Just close your eyes and imagine the breeze in your hair. Look inside yourself for just a moment in your time and breathe the air I breathe. Find your inner soul- yourself as a child, yourself so clean and new with so many tears to cry and so much more to view.  The trees sing the song of my youth. I look at them as I breathe my smoke and wonder- where’s the time gone? What have I done with my mind- what will I do with this body that so graciously and unconditionally accepted me? I wonder every day- is this it? What have I learned? Just keep the door open and don’t forget to chase those leaves. *sigh*”

The sigh is even written like I meant it. But that’s how writing/journaling has always been for me. Blah blah blah- and then BAM- something somewhat worthwhile spills out like lava… just flows right out- like my songs and my writings- in one fast and furious motion. Like I tuned into a special station just for me and simply transcribed the message.

I think I need to start doing morning pages again…

and to remember to keep that door open…

and to chase the leaves.

Sigh.