I had to take a little break from writing. I really wanted to see how things would start to balance out, without analyzing it too much. This is my secret with most situations. To let things sort of sway in the wind for a while until things settle down naturally, and try not to worry about it too much in the meantime! Easier said than done sometimes.
Since last I wrote, I was in the midst of figuring out what I would do regarding going back to work… or not. In the end, I decided that it did not make sense to go back. Between my husband’s unpredictable freelancey work schedule and the cost of child care, it didn’t make sense to go back to my job. This took a tremendous leap of faith on my part. I have taken care of myself for my entire adult life. It is an absolute transition for me. Now, that said, I was definitely ready to leave my job after 18 years. Who works for the same company for 18 years anymore? There were a couple of us left. The “lifers”. Well, turns out I’m not a lifer after all. Good thing I didn’t keel over on the job! And trust me, with the stress level in that place, that was a possibility.
Now, of course, I get to keep my awesome 2nd job- playing music. Once or twice a week to go out and rock it out- that’s just what the doctor ordered! After doing it for almost a couple of months now, it really is a balancing act of different aspects of my personality. At home, I’m sweet mama- feeding the baby, playing with him, tickling and laughing with him, reading books, bathing and rocking him to sleep. It could be no more the opposite when I go out to play music where I’m independent, fierce and ready to slay people with music. We joke that playing live music is like going to war. I really do prepare for it that way. And it’s all or nothing once you are out on that stage. People can sense weakness, and are more than willing to point it out to you with their lack of enthusiasm.
It’s no joke. There’s no worse feeling than a dead room. We’ve all been there. But still and all- I’d rather play the deadest room than not play at all! It’s a part of my being that must be expressed. Music is my best friend. We go hand in hand, or we don’t go. I can’t imagine my life without it. I wouldn’t know who I was.
When I first got pregnant, I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to continue. I cried and cried. I thought that having a baby would make me come to a grinding halt. My husband tried to soothe my worries, and I have to give the band credit too. They were all so supportive and just held my slot. I had something to jump right back into once I recovered. I’m not going to lie though, I was scared to death about it, at least at first. But luckily, it has all worked out very well. I’m not exactly where I want to be, as far as getting my bar band back in action, but that will come again. At this point, I’m getting used to the balance, still.
And let’s talk about that balance. All day long I have this closeness with Patrick. We are each other’s world. Our days are so nebulous. A feeding here, a nap there… the day gets away from me faster than I thought. It’s all very dreamy. Whether I’m cleaning or doing laundry while he’s napping or whatever is going on, it’s dinner time before you know it, and the day isn’t over even then! There’s still more feedings and bedtime. Luckily Patrick has been an amazing sleeper. In bed by 9:30 or 10:00pm and up at around 9:00am. But then, when it comes to performing, I have to snap to attention. It’s the only way to let go! Sometimes when I’m on stage now, I think of Patrick all cuddled up in my neck, the feeling of his breath on my face. And it makes me appreciate what I’m doing even more- and makes me want to be better. He makes me just a little more alive. A little more connected to what I’m doing. It’s really hard to explain. I feel much more empowered. It’s quite a thing. Before he was born (and he was coming WITH me to those gigs!) I felt like I might view my gigs as an escape. But that’s not really the case. Yes, I do have to get into another mindset, and that is refreshing in every way. But it’s not escaping him. It’s recharging myself for him. But the funny thing is, he recharges me for the music. It’s pretty amazing, and I’m finding it all so very rewarding.
Well, with all that said, I can get on with the fun stories. Stay tuned.